So you’ve decided to approach a disciplinarian. Enough procrastinating and making excuses- you know you really need a spanking, and that it’s time to ask for one. Don’t worry that you’ve left it too late- it’s never too late and you’re never too old to go across my knee. One of my clients was in his 90s and he started exploring his corporal punishment kink in his 70s and never looked back. So don’t use the excuse that you’re past it. Life’s too short- get that bottom smacked!
But how do you approach a professional disciplinarian if you never have before? Or, if you have done this before- wouldn’t you like to know some hints/tips on how to approach her appropriately and get on her good side? I’m going to share with you some things that instantly put you in my good books when I receive your email, and a few that immediately raise concerns/ annoy the hell out of me. After all, you don’t want to fall at the first hurdle and have your message thrown into the reject file, do you?
When approaching a disciplinarian
Do:
Introduce yourself politely and give some detail about yourself. For example- what you know about her (‘I’ve seen several of your excellent films/I follow you on Twitter etc’ give her some of your spanking background, level of experience, tastes, fantasies, kinks, limits and availability.
Don’t:
Write a bloody novel. We don’t have time. Or send a script with stage directions/dialogue for your potential session!
On the other end of the scale, don’t be rude and curt -‘Where are you based?” this one line email I recently received for example, without a simple hello/my name is/ by your leave, left me instantly irritated and I didn’t reply. It just makes me think you’re likely to be a jerk if you approach me like that.
Do:
Read her website first or at least take a glance. It shows you made the effort. I get a lot of emails saying how much people liked my website and that it gave them a really good idea of my style and tastes. It’s lovely when people say that. I put a lot of time and thought into designing it. And it is meant to attract people with similar tastes.
Don’t:
Ask for details that are clearly there when you Google her name and read her website. Fees location, fetishes offered etc. This is why we have websites. It’s so boring having to repeat fees/location etc because people can’t be bothered to look it up.
Do:
Address her correctly and spell her name right. It’s understandable to be confused if someone has several names or uses Mistress and Governess and Lady and Domina all strung together, etc, as some do. I don’t mind if you call me Mistress Iceni as my email is still ‘mistress’. But I prefer Miss Iceni.
Don’t:
Spell her name wrong. I occasionally get emails addressing me as ‘Icon’ - not even Miss Icon, just ‘Hi, Icon’(ok, it’s a compliment of sorts I guess, but spellcheck, please! And a little formality- you're not teting )your mates- or I sometimes get addressed just as ‘Hello, Iceni’- it’s not my first name, it’s Miss Iceni.
Do:
Briefly mention other mistresses you’ve visited who may be willing to give you a reference/ help us with screening.
Don’t:
Show off and use their non-scene name just because you know it - this is a no-no in terms of protocol and it’s indiscreet.
Also don’t go into endless detail about other dommes and how brilliant they are. You wouldn’t call a restaurant and spend 20 mins telling them how amazing the food is at another establishment down the road. Many of us are friends, and specially as Pro Dommes we suport other women and we love hearing how great we all are. But bear in mind these other people are our competitors. I used to have one client who used to bang on for HOURS about how brilliant so-and-so is, how well-spoken and educated, and how she canes so well, and is so elegant, and is wonderful company, until I wanted to say ‘Just go and see her, then. Why are you here?’ The funny thing is, I suspect he secretly enjoyed playing us off against each other, in a slightly spiteful way, and was probably banging on to her about me, trying to get a reaction. Some men love women ‘fighting’ over them so maybe it made him feel special.
Also do not gossip about other mistresses. We don’t like mean talk and I wouldn’t like you to gossip about me to others.
Do:
Respect her boundaries. We clearly indicate our tastes/list of services for a reason. Of course, there may be the occasional thing we do not list that we might agree to experiment with, or that we enjoy but don’t advertise. For example, I have had people ask if I allow foot worship and I do within limits, but I don’t list it on my site. I have had people ask if they can be put into a diaper/nappy at the end of their session as part of their humiliation. And I would say yes to this and many other potential add-ons to a typical spanking session. And I am always open to discussing things that are not on my list of services. For example this is how I discovered Candaulism, a kink I didn’t even know I had until a client asked me if I would indulge it with him.
Don’t:
Pressure a domme into doing something she has said ‘no’ to or clearly is miles away from her usual style. This is creepy and a red flag. Do not try to convert a spanker into an Adult Baby Mommy or a Pup trainer/Bondage Mistress for example, or ask for hard sports when it’s clear she doesn’t offer that.
I have had someone email me- ‘Would you role play as my Mum and spank me, then let me lick you out, then spank me again?’ Erm…. no. To be clear, I would role play as your Mum, and spank you, but not the rest of it! I have, on occasion, replied politely ‘What was it about my online presence that suggested to you that I might be interested to offer X,Y or Z’… I am not kink-shaming anyone. But there are plenty of mistresses who offer hard spots, or are experienced Adult Baby Mommies for example, so don’t push for something that I’m not into and have no experience of.
Do:
Send a follow-up email a few days after your initial enquiry if you have not heard back. It may have gone into the Spam folder, or I may be snowed under with messages and may have missed yours.
Don’t:
email insistently every hour, an hour after your first email asking why I haven’t replied, in all caps/getting increasingly angry/persistent. This is pestering. Your email will get binned if you do that.
Do:
Have a date and time to suggest for a booking, even better- several days and times or even a general suggestion- I am often in London Weds-Fri, early evenings, or I come to London once a month, or I will be in London in August for 5 days between these dates. Once a date has been decided, pay the deposit and stick to your commitment.
Don’t:
Suggest 4 different dates then eventually make a booking, then change it, then cancel/postpone last minute then try to rebook, then get cold feet and pull out on the day with a lame excuse, then complain you’ve had to pay a deposit when you’ve rescheduled twice already. This drives me potty! If you cancel the day before it does not give me time to rebook someone. This is why we ask for deposits/the full amount even if you don't turn up. I am very reasonable and of course will postpone if there is a genuine reason but don’t mess me about and do try to be organised.
Do:
Complete her pre-session questions and be clear. She needs this information to plan a good session for you. You don’t need to write an essay but give her the information she needs, and be specific. If you don’t want to be prescriptive you can say something like- ‘within the parameters of a traditional school scene please use whichever implements you like on me, and marks are fine, although I don’t like writing lines and cannot take heavy wooden implements. I have been known to take up to 18 cane strokes.’
Don’t:
say ‘whatever you want/I have no limits/do whatever you want, Mistress'. Really? I may end up giving you 72 cane strokes in that case, or dressing you in bloomers, frilly knickers and a pinny, or making you do my cleaning. Or shut you in the study and ignore you for an hour.
Do:
Be honest about your kinks! She will have heard it all before. She will not kink-shame you (hopefully- at least she shouldn’t).
Don’t:
Turn up and spring a new kink on her that you didn’t mention. A simple example of courtesy- I have had gentlemen mention that they become aroused during a spanking and will that be a problem? And can they have a ‘happy ending’? In that case I explain that this may be the case, male excitement is normal, but I will either scold them, ignore it, or laugh at it, if it happens, and no they cannot play with themselves at the end of the session. I am, in this example, which has happened a few times, very happy the client has mentioned it, and cleared it with me before we start. It shows courtesy and open-ness. One of the worst sessions I had was with a client who ejaculated down my leg (the one and only time it has happened in a session) without mentioning it might happen, and when challenged, said ‘Oh yeah that always happens with a good spanking.’ Also he then asked if I could charge him less, as he came quite soon into the session and didn't use the full hour. You can imagine he got short shrift with that.
I did not see him again, and explained clearly why, this being a violation and extremely rude apart from anything, I’m not joking, it was dripping down my stockings, off my shoelaces, onto the carpet. Gross and rude!
Do:
Ask about her fees and be clear before you commit.
Don’t:
Haggle. In my case you are paying for my years of experience, my people skills, my skill with implements and outstanding role play. There are cheaper people/newer people/people who don’t live in London. Go and see one of them if you can’t afford to come and see me. Or save up. You get what you pay for.
Do:
Check if she requires a deposit and how to make this payment. Follow her instructions, specially regarding references made with bank transfers etc.
Don’t:
Complain about having to pay a deposit. We have to ask for them to secure the slot for you, as sadly some people (not all, and probably not you, I know, I know) ghost at the last minute and leave you with holes in your schedule, having turned down other, reliable clients. Which means we are out of pocket. And all those people who didn’t turn up or cancelled last minute because they had cold feet/decided to go golfing instead becaise it was a sunny day, insisted they they were reliable and would never not show up. Yes, there are people who take bookings with no deposit, and you are welcome to book with one of them who may be a ‘hobby’ spanker or new to the business.
Very important- please do not include a reference when paying into the bank or payment processor like Paypal the words ‘deposit/session/discipline/spanking/mistress/naughty boy etc. You may not be aware that these terms can flag our account and can lead to our account being frozen, queried, and monies withheld. We face a lot of financial discrimination despite what we do being perfectly legal and paying taxes.
And finally…
Do:
Your due diligence. Google her- see if she has an online presence, has been around for more than 5 minutes, has a good reputation, has worked with other people or has reviews/testimonials of some sort. She should have more than one social media profile really- like Twitter and Instagram or TikTok and a webpage. As many as possible really. She does not have to have a website although that does suggest a level of professionalism.
Don’t:
Have your head turned by pretty photos. Anyone can photoshop/steal images. Use your head not your trouser-brain to select the right person. And please don’t get scammed by someone asking you for money/pretending to be one of us professional ladies. It is your responsibility to investigate a little before approaching someone. We want you to have the best possible experience and to get the most from your money spent. We want your fantasies to become reality and for you to find the right person for your needs. We want you to get your rocks off!
Hopefully this will help you in your approach and your quest to get your bottom expertly smacked. I don’t mind if you use these tips and hints to approach me or someone else. Like I said, I just want you to get a great experience and keep coming back for more and I want myself and other ladies to deal with fewer time-wasters. I’m not a BDSM Mistress and I don’t ‘own slaves/subs’ so I don’t mind if you shop around, try different disciplinarians, or move around for variety. But just approach each one of use with politeness, charm and clear information, and you’ll already have started off on the right foot when we read our emails from you. We screen you from the moment you approach us. We’ll be much more likely to get back to your message first if it's a good one- think of it like the application letter for a position you really want: pants down, head down, bottom up! Good luck!
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